When you and your partner have your first baby, it's supposed to bring you closer in every way. But what happens if your partner stops wanting to have sex now she's a mom? BabyCenter dads have asked for advice on getting the intimacy back into their relationships with their wives. New moms' (and dads') responses were very enlightening -- here they are.
Ways to get your sex life back on track
"My advice is to go away for the weekend together so that you can get to know each other as lovers again. If your baby is old enough to stay with her grandma for a night or two, a 'dirty weekend' will help to remind your wife of the fun you used to have before you became 'Mommy and Daddy'. My partner and I went away before Christmas and really enjoyed ourselves."
-- Rosie
"Spending time alone together will help only if your wife is genuinely ok about leaving your daughter - if she isn't, she'll just be stressed and resentful."
-- Anon
"You could 'court' her on a more day to day basis: tell her she looks good, tell her things you love about her. I know that I still don't feel sexually confident about my post-baby body and that's two and a half years later!"
"Help her out around the house as much as you can: if she's rushing around doing household chores more or less until the moment she goes to bed then she's probably not going to feel like more physical activity!"
"Lots of little things will help to make her feel loved, special, relaxed and attractive, but without being obviously seductive. She may be feeling the need for a little more overt recognition and appreciation from you of all that she's doing in her new role as mother, as well as wife. You might be surprised at how lacking in confidence many of us can be in making that transition!"
-- Kirsty
"If you can't have a night out, at least set aside one night a week when the little one is in bed to have a takeaout dinner, and a movie, maybe a bottle of wine."
-- A
"Take her out for say a meal and tell her how much you love her and fancy her. Tell her you miss being close to her -- just having a kiss and cuddle. Tell her you respect that things have changed. Tell her you know how hard she works. Ask her if you could spend a bit of time alone together, maybe watching a movie or having a meal. Try cuddling up with her but don't just assume she wants sex. Build things up slowly. Let her take control, give her compliments, give her a massage..."
-- Pinkmetalic
"My husband and I found it hard to find free time for sex, and were too tired at night. One thing that worked for us for a while was to make the most of our son's lunchtime naps -- on a Sunday this would be our time to go to bed too."
-- Lucy
"Think about how you approach her, and when. Give her an evening off: take your child, feed him and put them to bed while your wife has a lovely long bath and relaxes with a glass of wine. Going from a long day being mommy to being the sexual wife is hard unless you create some kind of buffer for her in between."
-- Enilora
"It's a difficult situation as your wife probably feels under constant pressure (from herself not just you) to feel in the mood. This is an instant passion killer as it causes stress. Rekindle her interest by letting her know you are interested in her pleasure - not just your own. This could be done by getting her a vibrator. Obviously I don't know your wife or how she would take this, but it worked for me, reminding my body how good it is to have orgasms and what I was causing my partner to miss out on as well as myself. You can get them totally privately online and without the embarrassment of going into a shop. Hope this idea is not offensive!"
-- Holly
"I'm thinking that maybe a dirty weekend wouldn't be the best plan. I think that for your wife to rediscover sex in general you need to show her intimacy first. She might just need confidence in herself again as a lover and not just a mother. Anyhow, if all goes well the 'dirty' part will come soon after. It will take time, but though she might not tell you she probably appreciates your patience."
-- Lisa
"Most women go off sex because they don't feel sexy or feel good about themselves. Perhaps a new outfit or some sexy underwear will make her feel like a woman again and not just a wife and mommy. Don't forget that talking about your problems with your partner can help no end -- but pushing her might push her away."
-- Tania
"We all go through this. As women, our hormones are totally out of whack the first year after we have a baby. Just try to make it that every time she is around you are not 'hounding' her about it. You should try to help her with her chores so she can come to bed relaxed. A weekend away isn't such a bad idea either. Even 24 hours from Sat. to Sun. could spark up some flames for you two. Have patience - it will get better, but don't just put the topic on the backburner. It is an important part of your relationship with your wife."
-- Gina
"I think she just needs reminding of who you are as a couple - not just mommy and daddy. Also keep reminding her of how much you love her and still fancy her as it doesn't hurt to hear it now and again (even though she probably knows deep down you do).But overall, just bear with her and I'm sure it won't last long."
-- Nikki
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