Odds are that if you ask anyone about their sex life following the birth of their baby, they will tell you that they experienced significant changes. Reasons for the nose dive in sex following birth vary. For some women, there is residual pain due to episiotomy, tearing, cesarean scar tenderness, or even hemorrhoids. For others, vaginal dryness following the birth comes into play due to hormonal shifts related to birth and breastfeeding. However, the vast majority of the time the reason that sex suffers so significantly following the birth of a new baby is simple exhaustion.
The Uneven Distribution of Work
Although men today are more involved in the lives of their newborn children than at any other point in history, it is still women who are tasked with much of the child rearing. Following birth, women tend to carry a highly uneven load when it comes to childcare and housework. As if that weren't enough to keep them busy, a large percentage of women head back into the office at six weeks postpartum.
As it were, it seems that women are the ones who call the shots when it comes to sex in marriage, especially following the baby. One of the biggest reasons couples are not getting their groove on right after baby is exhaustion, but it's rarely related to the father's exhaustion.
After staying up all night rocking a crying baby, many mothers get up and head to work. They then come home only to cook and clean before falling back in bed for another brief, mainly sleepless night.
It is important for men to recognize this inequality and do what they can to balance the equation. Even very non-traditional couples seem to fall into highly traditional roles following the birth of a little one. Part of the reason for this is the nurturing nature of women, not to mention the fact that they are the ones with the breasts and the womb. Dad can really help mom out by taking on additional household chores and regularly offering to take the baby while mom naps.
With a little additional rest, mom may feel more up to getting it on.
All Touched Out
Another significant issue that is related to the fact that women are highly nurturing, is the fact that they often get much of the physical touch that they require as humans, from their children. Young infants need constant touching, cradling, and coddling. Furthermore, moms are attracted to the notion of being close to their children, which from a physiological standpoint was necessary for survival. You can't fight primal instinct people.
So at the end of the day, mom may not need the same amount of touching and physical contact that she once required to feel good about herself. However, dad still does and it's important for the success of marriage, that both parties have their physical and emotional needs met.
Women and men, following the birth of baby, should openly discuss their feelings on these issues. Touch is important, women need to touch their husbands, and husbands need to be touched. That doesn't mean that sex has to happen.
Hugging, cuddling, kissing, and even some light making out can help to facilitate the missing physical affection. It is important, however, that couples discuss the fact that this may not lead to sex, so that neither party feels rejected when it does not.
Just Do It
Clearly, do not hop into the sack before you are physically able. Healing from birth takes some women a few days and others several months. Most care providers recommend waiting until after the traditional six week postpartum checkup to resume sex, though this is a mostly arbitrary time.
The issue at hand, however, is the fact that most women still have a lagging sex drive long after they have healed. It may not be feminist, politically correct, or even nice, but sex is an important part of marriage. Do not force yourself to do anything before you are ready, but once in awhile try to bite the bullet and go for it.
The best thing to do is schedule a weekly or- depending on your resources- monthly date. If possible, plan to be alone so that you have plenty of time to get to know each other all over again, practice foreplay, and savor the moment. If you can't get time away, then it may need to be a quickie. Either way, commit yourself to making love to your husband and follow through on the commitment.
After it has started, odds are that you will get into it. Often we fail to have sex after baby because we just don't feel sexy. One reason we don't feel sexy, is because we aren't having sex. It is a vicious cycle, which you must break in order to move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment