When you and your partner have your first baby, it's supposed to bring you closer in every way. But what happens if your partner stops wanting to have sex now she's a mom? BabyCenter dads have asked for advice on getting the intimacy back into their relationships with their wives. New moms' (and dads') responses were very enlightening -- here they are.
Possible reasons why she's rejecting you
"I've been there -- speaking from the woman's point of view. She's just lost sight of being a woman and is focusing on being a mom -- it's possible for her to be both. I would suggest you choose one night a week to go out -- just the two of you. The thing to not lose sight of is that you and your wife are together forever and when the kids move out you still need to be a strong couple romantically. Weekly dates are a great way to just have husband and wife time, without the kids. My husband and I have three kids, and dates, e-mails and exciting phone calls help keep us romantic."
-- Michelle
"I had our son nine months ago and stopped breastfeeding a month ago, only now am I starting to feel somewhat 'normal' in that way again. I also felt (and still do) extremely self conscious of and uncomfortable in my new-shaped body. I dreaded my partner's attentions and felt very tense whenever he made any suggestions/approaches. I did also go through a patch of resenting having to reassure my husband that things would get back to normal while at the same time I felt pressured and worried myself. I don't have any solution as such, just time and patience."
-- Fee
"I know how she feels, and my husband knows how you feel. Do take a weekend away, but convince your wife that it's not going to be all about trying to get her into bed. If you can genuinely say you just want to 'make believe' you are courting again, that you will not make any advances unless she takes the lead (as us women often feel like we have no control or right to our bodies once we have a baby, and feel very violated by it) it may just lead her to a place that makes her feel safe and loved enough to feel like making love again. I tried having sex with my husband at about 12 weeks and I eventually got past my own inhibitions, but the next morning I felt dreadful. From when I fell pregnant right through to now, where my son is three months old, the thought of my husband touching me makes me want to run and hide. It took me nine months to accept that my body was now a life creator and sustainer. My husband wanted my body to still be a pleasure giver and receiver and I just couldn't do both...I just can't handle my husband wanting me to switch from mother to lover."
"My husband doesn't find it a problem to make love to me if the baby's asleep in our room, but I cringe at the thought that if the baby wakes during or after we've made love, he's going to need my body, yet it's just been 'used' for sex. Those two components put together in my mind make me feel sick. Maybe your wife feels like that."
"I know it's hard being a daddy, but it's even harder being a mommy and a wife."
-- Yvette
"It's hard having a baby, your body changes so much. Maybe your wife just doesn't feel sexy anymore -- that happens a lot. Revert to when you first started seeing each other. Go out on a date, take your time and just enjoy each other's company. Believe me, you showing such interest in her will make her want to rip your clothes off again. Take it slow and you will enjoy yourselves again, trust me."
-- Netti
"You're not alone; my wife has been like that for nearly four years now. Only once or twice has she really been in the mood in all that time. Doctors have put it down to being post-natal. But I am gradually seeing some changes for the better."
-- Anon
"I am a mom of an eight-month-old baby, and my interest in sex has pretty much gone down the toilet as well. I am hoping it will get better soon, as I actually feel guilty that I don't have as much interest as I did before. I feel bad when my husband looks rejected when I say no all the time, but I just can't get into it. I guess what I am trying to say is - it is not about you. This is something your wife has to get over, and I hope for your sake that she does. Just try to be patient a little while longer - I know it's hard (no pun intended)!"
-- Pippy
"Do you do your fair share of housework and childcare? If not, maybe she feels undervalued and exhausted? If she feels that she is regarded as 'just' a wife and mother, understandably she will be uncooperative, either consciously or otherwise. If this is not the problem, then it might be her body image that's the problem. Is she still overweight following the birth? Why not sit down and ask her? If you love each other then this can be sorted out. Good luck."
-- RD
"We have two babes 15 months apart in age. And I know that if I've been running round after them all day and my partner comes home, kicks his shoes off and watches TV (like we both used to in the evening), I feel a little taken for granted as I still have a million things to do. Honestly, you'd be amazed how attractive a helpful-around-the-house man is! Especially when he makes me a cup of tea when he gets home from work, too."
"With our first baby it took a long time to heal as well, so maybe your wife had some pain and is worried that it hasn't come right again. Try telling her you won't even suggest sex for a certain time period and just flirt with her. Then she might relax enough to know that you like her the way she is. Personally I've never so felt so uncomfortable about the way my body looks and it's embarrassing to me. The mom job is very hard work and can be lonely and thankless, no matter how much you love your children. You get lost in the piles of laundry sometimes. I hope you work it out."
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