The Woman's Libido
What happens to a woman's libido during lactation? Three possibilities exist: a) She is more easily aroused sexually since she is more in tune with herself and her body; b) Sexual desire may be lessened due to frequent feedings and a disturbed sleep pattern, resulting in a state of fatigue; and c) There are variations of the libido, with periods of high and low arousal . Overall, it appears that the frequency of sexual intercourse is typically low during the first few months of breastfeeding.
The woman's libido may be tied in with the symbolism and meaning of breasts for her and her partner. For one woman, breastfeeding may be natural and part of her body. For another, it may be a clash between her biological function and the sexual connotation of her breasts. Some women do not enjoy breastfeeding because they do not like the physical sensation created by the baby sucking at the breasts. For others, it may provoke memories of abuse and incest. For certain women, this part of her body is "reserved" for the baby and is not to be shared, even with the partner. Yet other women experience sexual excitement for the first time when they are lactating .
The woman's breasts can be a source of discomfort during lovemaking if they are overly full or leaking . A towel can be used during lovemaking, and emptying the breasts beforehand can partially resolve the problem. If, during lactation, the breasts are not an erogenous zone, they can become one with time and patience if the couple so desires. The partner must not "attack" the breasts; rather, he can gently caress them by using the back or the palm of his hands. Women have reported to the author that if the partner simply cups the breasts with his hands and gently lifts or sways them, the soft movements may activate a sexual response. Once the woman enjoys having her breasts "cupped" by her partner, he can proceed to the nipples by gently caressing them. Women have also suggested that the nipples should not be rolled or pulled during the sexual encounter since this can cause discomfort or pain and even deactivate the anticipated sexual response. Some women have preferred delicate oral contact without sucking. This may be important to the women if they wish to re-establish this form of contact as it was before the birth. Some women report that, at least initially, oral contact with sucking was reserved for the baby, while oral contact without sucking was permitted for the partner. Once the woman felt more comfortable, her partner could proceed to sucking her breasts if he desired.
The Partner
The breastfeeding experience may be simultaneously physical, physiological, emotional, social, psychological, sexual, and sensual. The partner may feel jealous of his baby who is the center of the mother's attention. He may feel excluded from this relationship. Seeing how much the baby and the mother enjoy each other during breastfeeding may cause him to feel frustrated or inadequate .
For other men, seeing the mother-child dyad enjoying each other may be sexually exciting. Leaking breasts may be a sexual "turn-on" just as they may be a sexual "turn-off" . Other men may feel that lactating breasts are not an erogenous zone and are to be avoided at all costs. The mother may agree or this area may be extremely erogenous for the woman. This asynchrony could cause a problem in the couple's sexual relationship. Some men "enjoy" the taste of human milk and need to be reassured that this enjoyment is normal. The partner should be aware that the flavor of human milk varies according to the woman's diet. Some men relish the spray from milk letdown on their bodies, and some couples use the milk to rub their bodies against each other, leading to sexual ecstasy. In summary, there are many responses or combinations of responses of a couple to the addition of lactation to their sexual life.
studied the impact of breastfeeding on fathers and reported that many fathers experience negative feelings but they manage to find a variety of ways to improve their situation and to support breastfeeding. "The conflict in some adult men over their role in regard to the nursing mother's breasts is usually a result of guilt or upbringing". In the United States, as in other parts of the Western world, breasts are "intrinsically sexual … women's breasts are defined primarily as sex objects, and as a focus of eroticism" .
These same authors continue by stating, "I am not suggesting that it is wrong or immoral to experience sexual pleasure from the breasts as a part of sexual behavior. I am insisting, however, that we recognize this as learned behavior, learned in a particular cultural context" (p. 263). Breastfeeding is a natural biological proc- ess, and through perinatal education, men can learn to gradually change their attitude towards the symbolism of breasts and openly explore their role in the breastfeeding experience. Men can be encouraged to invest considerable emotional energy into nurturing their partners and their infants. They may find gratification in these activities, which may compensate for alterations in their sexual relationship with their lactating partner .
What can the father do? He might try being involved with the baby by bathing the baby, learning infant massage, changing diapers, burping, and/or taking care of domestic chores and any other children. Quietly and persistently, he should cuddle and hug the lactating mother. Words of love, gentle teasing, and gentle non-sexual caressing will surround his partner with a net of security, and increase her sense of importance, and worthiness to him. Displaying a sense of humor can also help reduce any tensions or conflicts that arise during this time of transition in their lives.
Because the birth of a child is a major change in the couple's relationship, the father should be aware that he needs to go back almost to the beginning and to re-woo and recourt her, always starting in a non-sexual way. He should make his presence felt both physically and psychologically. There is no greater and more potent sexual stimulus for a new mother than the constant, steady love and attention from her partner. She benefits from feeling that to him she is first a woman, then the mother of his child. In response, her words of encouragement, appreciation, and praise can be like sweet nectar for him. Beginning with this form of asexual support in the postpartum period can eventually help the couple to rediscover each other and re-establish their intimacy and its sexual expression.
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